


we fall to pieces so quietly

by jimlafleur



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-15
Updated: 2014-07-15
Packaged: 2018-02-08 22:58:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,131
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1959327
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jimlafleur/pseuds/jimlafleur
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>set at the end of 1x06 - bellamy couldn't be guiltier</p>
            </blockquote>





	we fall to pieces so quietly

**Author's Note:**

  * For [toflowerknights](https://archiveofourown.org/users/toflowerknights/gifts).



_"My life ended the day you were born."_

As soon as the words left his mouth, he regretted them.

He knew he should stop and apologize, tell her that he didn't mean it and the stress of the day was getting to him, and that all he wanted was for her to come back home, and that he loved her, and that he needed her. But the words failed to escape him, and all he was left with was a betrayed look on her face, and a sinking feeling starting at the pit of his stomach. 

She hesitated and watched him with the same astonished look, hoping for him to take it back. Because she was his sister, and he loved her. He had always done what he had to to protect her. She tried to remember the times when he laughed with her and played with her and gave her piggyback rides around their room. He told her stories and shared his rations, he even tried to teach how to read... But ultimately, it didn't matter what had happened before this, before the ground, before imprisonment. This was now, and she knew him better than to think he would do something as absurd as _apologize_. He was stubborn and ruthless and unforgiving, and he would never say sorry. 

She faced away from him, and not ready to let her go, he took hold of her arm. "Where do you think you're going?" He demanded. He refused to let up the guise that he didn't care, for some idiotic reason that he didn't even understand. 

And as she spat out her reply back at him - "You can't keep me locked up in here forever," - Bellamy understood that cowardice was what kept him from giving in. He tried to think of something he could say that would remedy this hopeless situation, but his wits were not quick enough. She pulled herself out of his grip and shoved his arm away, not bothering to look back as she stormed towards the dropship. 

He found it difficult to watch her as she walked away, too guilty and regretful, figuring that he didn't deserve to lay his villainous eyes on her anymore. She was right - he was locking her up again, like she had been for her whole life. And nothing else in the whole world made him feel worse than that. 

\----

Eventually he made it to the gate, where he ordered some kid to do some meaningless thing. Bellamy wasn't really sure _what_ he demanded him to do, he was too focused on his encounter with Octavia and how badly he fucked up and what he could ever do to make things right again - but it worked, the kid was out of his way, and Bellamy was alone with his thoughts and regrets and his self-loathing. 

The sky roared above. He grabbed onto the wall to steady himself, trying to breath and sooth the dreadful feelings of remorse surging through his body. But the same words kept repeating throughout his head: _"My life ended the day you were born."_ And the sickening feeling just kept spreading. 

The fact that he let her remarks get to him was one of the things he regretted the most. Bellamy couldn't even blame the stress of the day for his outburst - his only excuse was his hotheadedness and immaturity. He faintly remembered the anger that swept over him as she howled accusations at him, and of course he remembered the wild impulses urging him to defend himself against her. Against Octavia, his strong little sister who'd suffered so much. If he could do it again, he would have fought those impulses, reminded himself that this was his sister, not some brute with an idiotic comment. _This was his sister._

His sister who'd experienced no human interaction outside her room for 16 years. His sister who'd likely had no idea how to restrain herself from lashing out against him. His sister who was, in the end, right. Everything that had gone wrong was because of him.

Bellamy was selfish enough to suggest the masquerade to Octavia, and he was stupid enough not to realize the danger he could be putting them all in. He was the one who shot himself onto the dropship, only to destroy a radio and destroy hundreds of lives in return. He was the one who lost track of his family, to subject his only reason for living to endless fear and pain. And he was the one who condemned her for virtually nothing - for being born, something she had no control over. And now she was back with the rest of his people (did he even deserve to still call them _his people_ anymore?) probably feeling like it was all her fault. 

Perhaps the most pathetic part was that he was too craven to go back to her, to tell her the truth - that she did _nothing_ wrong, she'd never done anything wrong and the world was just extraordinarily unkind to her. All he ever wanted was to give her love, but he only ever made things worse for her.

And he didn't do shit to change things. _Pathetic._

He closed his eyes and tilted his head towards the sky. When he opened them, he saw nothing other than dark gray clouds swirling over each other dangerously and trees rustling restlessly through the air.  

"A storm's coming," He muttered, and closed the gates behind him. 

\----

Eventually he turned away from the gate and stomped through the camp. He called for Miller and Jasper and a few others; it didn't matter who came, just as long as they got there and didn't ask any questions. As he spoke, Bellamy grabbed his axe and lit a torch. 

"Miller, go find something to use for rope. Everyone else, find something, anything to use as a weapon. We're going after that grounder."

The only person who spoke up was Jasper. "Bellamy, do you really think we should do this? I mean, there's a huge storm out there, and the grounder might have left-"

"If you don't want to come, Jasper, then don't. I couldn't care less." Bellamy interrupted, pushing his way past him towards the gate. It was now starting to rain, but Bellamy wouldn't have noticed if not for the flickering of his torch. He pushed the gate open and held it for the others, his eyes somehow landing on the dropship. Once again he thought of Octavia, of what she could be doing right now, whether she was helping Finn or leading the rest of the hundred. Solemnly, Bellamy pursed his lips and closed the door. 

He was going to find that grounder. Whether his efforts were for him or Octavia, he would find out eventually. 

 

**Author's Note:**

> for emma, thanks for forcing me to stay up all night to write this.
> 
> fics like this aren't my forte, so i'm eager to see what people think of this! reviews and comments are never unwanted :)


End file.
